Sliding off of his bunk, Richard slipped on a dirty T-shirt
that lay on the floor and hastily acquired a fresh pair of boxer shorts from
his bedside table before circumnavigating the accumulated piles of junk strewn
all over his bedroom floor to find out who the f*ck was bothering him at this
ungodly hour. Ricky was not the tidiest of people, and certainly not a morning person.
As he looked at his Rolex Cosmograph Daytona wristwatch, he went into the
kitchen and splashed some water over his pounding head. If only that f*cking
jerk would stop ringing the doorbell! he thought.
This passage I cobbled together contains quite a few style
sins. I will list them in order.
‘as’ and ‘-ing’
constructions: starting too many sentences with these is nowadays regarded as hack
writing by some industry professionals – plus, the simultaneity they sometimes suggest makes many of them technically
impossible. In the first sentence Richard dons a T-shirt and rummages in his
bedside table *at the same time* as he slides off his bunk. Similarly, in the
second paragraph he’s looking at his wristwatch all the while he’s going to the
kitchen and splashing water over his head. There are, of course, instances where they are suitable, but be careful not to overdo their use, and look out for simultaneity paradoxes.
Word order: it is always worth checking
for ambiguity: Richard ‘slipped on a T-shirt’ can be read two ways – he can put
it on or actually lose his footing. ‘Slipped a T-shirt on’ is an easy fix here
(though other fixes in the first sentence are also required).
Profanity: is usually best kept to a
minimum and (generally) restricted to dialogue only. The reader soon tires of
serial cussing for the sake of it – a single F-bomb in the entire novel can have far more effect on the
reader than a hundred of them. Soft profanity is generally advised in Interior Monologue
and Point of View, such as ‘heck’, ‘hell’, or even a more active adjective,
such as ‘persistent jerk’ in the second paragraph.
Exclamation marks: avoid using them unless
a character is shouting in dialogue – and never splice a load of ’em
together!!!
Consistency: be careful not to
confuse the reader by switching from Richard to Ricky – as a reader I’m often
wrong-footed by contractions or nicknames given to the character’s name
(usually in another character’s dialogue).
Overt explanation: any reader with a brain
will infer that Richard is untidy and a late sleeper without being told as much
– don’t make the reader feel patronized by stating the obvious.
Product placement: is even a sin of many
iconic thriller authors – they seem to be unable to resist regaling us with
Jimmy Choo, Rolex, and/or their favorite vehicle and exclusive resorts. The odd
placement is acceptable but making the novel read like a Vogue magazine
irritates more readers than it impresses. Here is an excerpt from the salient Self Editing for Fiction Writers courtesy Renni
Browne and Dave King:
“… We once worked on a manuscript in which the hero drove a Porsche Targa.
Evidently this was the author’s dream car, because he mentioned it every chance
he got. After forty or fifty pages of “hopping in the Targa,” and “taking the
Targa to the Hendrick’s,” and “running the Targa out to Long Island,” one of
our editors took to writing “Just call it the car!” in the margins.
Other considerations:
Avoid using certain types of vernacular in your
narrative – e.g. ‘Sliding off of his
bunk’ does not need the of at all; always
check for redundant vernacular as you edit.
Avoid using repetitive beats: I once became so tired
of reading about an MC making coffee every other scene, I wrote in an edit where
the coffee machine exploded…
Once is usually enough: try to avoid telling the
reader things more than once – credit them with having a brain; check for repetition
as you edit.
~ ~ ~
It’s hard to make the example above into killer prose,
so I won’t bother – but here’s a less crappy version:
Ricky slid off his bunk, grabbed a dirty T-shirt from
the floor and slipped it on. He rummaged in his bedside table for a fresh pair
of boxers, then circumnavigated
the junk strewn over his bedroom floor. Who the hell
could be bothering him at this ungodly hour?
He peered at his wristwatch, went into the kitchen, and splashed some
water over his pounding head. If only that persistent jerk would stop ringing
the doorbell…
~ ~ ~
There are many more aspects of sophistication and I
welcome any feedback about them in the comments field.
Thank you for reading these articles. You can find other useful editing, formatting, and style tips via our sidebar menu, or by tracking back through our posts on the home page. Happy writing!
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Self editing 4 fiction #8 ~ Master of the Beat
Self editing 4 fiction #9 ~ Sophistication
Thank you for reading these articles. You can find other useful editing, formatting, and style tips via our sidebar menu, or by tracking back through our posts on the home page. Happy writing!
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Other Self Editing
articles:
Self editing 4 fiction #7 ~ Interior MonologueSelf editing 4 fiction #8 ~ Master of the Beat
Self editing 4 fiction #9 ~ Sophistication
